Jedi Chronicles 1 - Another Day In Hell... MiSTed!
by Discord
Summary: Mike, Crow, and Servo offer their... opinions... on the story.


Jedi Chronicles 1- Another Day In Hell

_Crow: (monotone) Another riveting piece, by Disord. _

_All: (deadpan) Woo, woo._

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or any of its related characters or places… I _do_ own Kosk, Neevik, and Mallor (unfortunately-- They can get rather rowdy at times!).

_Crow: Oooh, *rowdy*, eh?_

_All: (unison) In bed!_

Kosk: ::sullenly:: Fuck off.

_Servo: He dropped the F-Bomb!This is gonna be good!_

Discord: ::clears her throat:: Yeah, there's something else.Like you just _heard_, 

_Mike: The voice in my head was telling me not to write this fic, but what the hell._

::sends a withering glance to Kosk:: Some of my characters tend to use filthy language.But, hey.Who am I to talk? 

Neevik: Jesus.Tie her up and hide her somewhere. 

_Crow: Yes, do._

Jedi Chronicles 1: Another Day In Hell

Recorded by Discord

_Servo: Ooh, "recorded" by Discord!How original!_

Obi-Wan Kenobi slid his tray of food over to make room for the two beings walking to him.

"Joy and elation," growled a Trandoshaan, smacking his tray down at the table.He poked the quivering blue Jello square on his tray, and, with a snort, sat down."No food should be blue.No food should ever be blue.May the Scorekeeper eat it."He glumly began to carve his name, Kosk, into the shivering mass.

_Mike: Scorekeeper?_

_Crow: That hairy creature that keeps points in bed._

_Mike: Aahh…_

A Rodian plunked down in a spare chair, cocking his head at Obi-Wan to utter, "Oota goota."

_Mike: Oota Whatta??_

_Crow: Hey, don't look at me._

_Mike: I'm having trouble with this vocabulary.This author is a nerd._

"Hey, Neevik," Obi-Wan responded to the "what's up".

Neevik shook his head in disgust, forming the English with ease uncommon to his race, considering their small mouths."What the hell is this shit?It looks like something a mankas threw up."Neevik glanced at two other female students who were trying to disassemble the blue block with the Force."Looks like it's good for one thing only."

Obi-Wan felt a grin form."That being?"

_Servo: Sex!Sex!Sex!_

Neevik suddenly looked devilish, if that was possible for a Rodian."Heh… I'll let you two know when you're done eating."

_Servo: Whhoooaaaa!Woo hoo!_

_Crow: Pervert._

Kosk glared at him."Your ideas always get us into trouble."

_Crow: Then the idea turned out to be waay too much trouble and they all died.The end._

"Like you even care."

"Unlike you, Rodian, I do feel a compulsion to be a Jedi."

Obi-Wan waited patiently for them to stop bickering.Neevik, Kosk, and Obi-Wan called themselves 'the Terrible Trio', 

_Mike: The Terrible Trio.How mature, and adult, and --_

_Crow and Servo: Shut up, Mike._

not as a self-insult, but a blunt name.The Jedi Masters encouraged that all Padawans get along, but there were always social groups.However, the group he belonged to was, hands-down, the oddest.Rodians and Trandoshaans

_Mike: She's talking in a different language.Whatians and Whoodoshans?_

_Crow: Republicans and Democrats._

_Mike: Aahh…_

aren't known for their charisma or compassion, and, even though Neevik and Kosk had renounced their violent cultures, all the Padawans except Obi-Wan indirectly shunned them.

_Crow: (Imitating a Trandoshaan) Thanks for training me, mind if I lop your head off?_

"Fine, the hell with it," Kosk gave up."I'll do it."

_Servo: Do "it"?_

_Crow and Mike: Aw, God._

"Great!" cried Neevik."Obi-Wan, gimme your parsley."

_Servo: Parsley?Kinkeh._

Obi-Wan handed it over, and Neevik stuck it in a Jello cube, and then caused it to float through the Force."I wonder what would happen if a bunch of these started to float around?"He suggested innocently.

_Crow: Nothing?At all?_

Obi-Wan smiled darkly, his icy eyes flashing with amusement."I have a better idea."He smirked at their questioning stares."All we have to do is start it… Then beat it.And we won't get in any trouble."

"Works for me," Kosk approved.

"I'm in," Neevik added.

Obi-Wan nodded, then grabbed an extra Jello square with the Force.He floated it up and over the heads of the students.When all eyes were on the blue UFO, snickers breaking out everywhere, he chose his target.Positioning his blue square above Anan Kaner, the local big dumb jock, 

_Servo: Big dumb jock?_

_Mike: Reminds me of Dawson's Creek._

he rubbed some of the molecules together so it sounded like the Jello was giggling.

_Servo: (monotone) Oh.My.That was SO funny._

_All: (unison) Ooh._

The assembled crowd blinked.

_Crow: Blink, everybody!BLINK!!_

Obi-Wan released his telepathic hold on the Jello, right onto Anan's head.

_Mike: (slaps his knee) That is SO FUNNY!!_

You could have heard a pin drop.

_Servo: Crow, gimme a pin._

Of course, that was before every single person telepathically snatched their Jello and… Well, you can guess.

_Servo: Big, massive orgy, right?_

_Crow and Mike: Shut up, Servo._

In the midst of the food fight, Obi-Wan, Kosk, and Neevik were able to creep out of the cafeteria.

The three sprinted down the hallway, laughing as hard as humanly (or Trandoshaanly, or Rodianly) possible.

_Mike: More humor._

_Crow: Stop, I'm dying._

"Stop!Stop!"gasped Neevik, slowing down. "If I don't stop laughing I'm gonna throw up!"

"Rodian barf.Not something I want to see."Obi-Wan halted, slouching against the wall.

Kosk flicked a bit of Jello out of Obi-Wan's spiky hair."Looks like you got grazed."

"Horrors upon horrors."

_Mike: Wow, this author is so funny… I'm gonna split a seam laughing…_

_Crow: I dunno, I'm identifying with the Kosk character._

_Servo: Angry and bad-looking, right?_

_Crow: … Screw you._

"Hey, guys, talk about irony," Neevik sat against the wall."In twenty minutes, we have our Force class on telekinesis.I hear," he continued excitedly, "that some Masters will be overseeing!"

_Servo: Overseeing? Orgy!Orgy!_

_Crow: (groans)_

_Mike: For God's sake, shut up._

Obi-Wan and Kosk's eyes lit up.Masters looking over a class usually meant that Padawan's would be chosen.

_Mike: Puddlewang?_

"And I also hear--" began Neevik.

Kosk wondered briefly where Neevik heard things.

_All: HA HA HAAA!_

"I hear that Master Qui-Gon Jinn will be there."

The light in their eyes became an absolute gleam.They all jumped up to be early for class.

¤¤¤

The latest exercise looked difficult.You had to lift, with the Force, a 200 pound lead block.At the moment, all the students lined up for their turn at it.Neevik stepped up, leaving the next in line being Kosk, then Obi-Wan.Neevik's brow furrowed, and the exercise began.He closed his eyes. 

Obi-Wan felt his stomach turn.So far, all 15 students who had tried had failed horribly, with absolutely no change to the block.Obi-Wan resisted the urge to 

_Crow: Break out into song and start a happy jig._

glance up at the Jedi Masters lined up on the viewing balcony above the exercise room.

_Crow: Damn._

Qui-Gon Jinn became 

_Crow: Very happy and broke out into a happy jig!_

remotely more interested.

_Crow: Damn!_

The Rodian was trying, then the Trandoshaan.It would be interesting to see how they would fare in this new difficult exercise.

_Mike: Yes, just fascinating._

Sweat popped out on Neevik's forehead, his eyes screwed 

_Servo: SCREWED?SCREWED?!_

shut.He lifted his hand, palm facing the cube.The block showed no sign of changing.But then, the far left corner of the block shuddered, rising off the floor slowly.It hadn't been up for long before Neevik released his hold on it, his time being up.

_All: Hip hip hurray!_

A rumble of cheers greeted him as he walked back to the group, grinning and wiping his forehead.

Kosk decided that aggression was the best way to go.

_Mike: Be, aggressive!Be, be, aggressive!A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!Goooooooo TRANDOSHAANS!_

_Crow and Servo: (clap wildly, hooting and cheering)_

He stepped up, activating the timer and immediately pushed both of his palms towards the block.He stared at it, focusing all his attention.

Qui-Gon Jinn had been impressed by the Rodian's performance.Mace Windu leaned over to speak to him."Seen a promising one yet?"

_Servo: A promising what?Sex slave?_

_Mike: Servo, one more time, and I swear…_

Qui-Gon glared at him."You know I'm not taking another Padawan.I'm only here because you made me come.And quite frankly, I'm about ready to walk out the door."

"Oh look, the Trandoshaan failed."Mace watched Kosk stride off, a look of vague dejection on his harsh olive features."Listen, there's just one more, then we can go, okay?"

"Yeah, sure."Qui-Gon waved him away.

Mace grinned and rolled his eyes, turning his attention back to the students.

Obi-Wan stepped up, activating the timer.He closed his eyes, concentrating.

Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow.He hadn't ever seen such 

_Servo: SEXINESS!_

_Crow: (mockingly) I wonder if Obi-Wan will be able to raise it?_

_Mike: (mockingly) Beats me._

calm on such a young student.He glanced at Mace, noting that the other man saw and felt it too.

_Okay, it's too heavy to lift, gotta make it lighter.How?Separate the molecules,_ Obi-Wan decided.Through the Force, he reached out, separating the molecules of the cube, making it less dense.

It was still pretty fuckin' weighty. 

Obi-Wan, concentrating heavily, gestured upward with his left hand.

The block followed his gesture, raising a full half-foot off the ground.

_All: (monotone) Yay._

Qui-Gon and Mace's eyes bugged.

_Servo:I had no idea that eyes had the ability to "bug"._

_Mike: Yeah, I thought that was just Windows 98._

_Crow: Harshhhh._

Obi-Wan knew he'd done it, and, instead of celebrating, he gave attention to raising the block higher.However, two feet seemed to be his limit, and the heavy block crashed to the floor.Obi-wan grabbed the timer table for support, feeling absolutely thrashed.

The teacher stepped out amidst the cheers, smiling ear to ear."Well… Homework was going to be thinking of a way to lift it, but that's scrapped.And Obi-Wan, you've earned a day off."

Even through all his excitement, Obi-Wan noticed that Master Jinn was gone, along with the other Masters.

¤¤¤

Qui-Gon strode down the hallway angrily.Mace Windu kept pace with him."I think we've just found you a new Padawan."

_Mike: Puddlewang?!_

Qui-Gon stopped, facing Mace."That boy is arrogant, proud, and he _will_ turn to the Dark Side!"

_Crow: Crazy old coot._

Mace fixed him with a stern look."You could tell all this from his raising of a lead block?"

Qui-Gon glared at him.

"The boy is strong, honest, and good," Mace countered.

Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow."Honest?"

Mace sighed."So he's pulled a few pranks--"

"Fake eyeballs, fake barf, ants in the dorms, that worm incident--"

_Servo: My kinda guy._

_Crow: Pervert._

Mace spread his arms."He has a colorful sense of humor!"

"Too colorful."Qui-Gon sighed."You know I won't take another Padawan."

_Mike: Puddlewang?_

_Crow: It's old, Mike._

Mace's face softened, 

_Servo: He must be using the new anti-bacterial skin softener!_

_All: Oooh, aaah._

_Mike: Stool softener?_

_Crow: What are you, deaf?_

and he dropped a hand onto his shoulder."You must get over the boy.

_Servo: Get OVER him?Eh?Eh?_

_Mike: (slaps a hand to his forehead)_

You_ must_ move on."

Qui-Gon glanced at him, then down at the floor.

¤¤¤

Kosk and Neevik, both with an arm around Obi-Wan's shoulders, supporting the exhausted human, helped the boy back to their dorm.

_Mike: Poor bastards.14 and already living in dorms._

Obi-Wan managed to murmur a "thanks" right before sacking out on the couch.

Neevik and Kosk blinked at the speed that he was able to fall asleep at. 

"Humans," Kosk offered as an explanation.

They looked at each other and shrugged, each feeling frustratingly clueless.

_Servo: Mike feels like that all the time._

_Mike: Ha ha.Did I forget to mention ha?_

¤¤¤

Obi-Wan woke up to the usual din of squawking guitars and the heavy beat of drums.

If there was one thing that the three friends agreed on, it was taste in music; Static, Photon Blast, and Ridge 

_Crow: Who?_

_Mike: Hanson gone bad._

being only three.However, his favorite disc was playing as today's alarm clock.Obi-Wan had gone searching the music stores for something good (and cheap).He came out with something older then Yoda:**Disturbed**.

_All: (raise hands)_

The three, through great trials and weeks of sucking up, managed to copy all the songs onto a usable disc, saving the original CD to see if it was worth anything.

A heavy guitar riff wafted out from the speakers.Obi-Wan knuckled his eyes.__

He stretched a bit, then got up.

¤¤¤

A dark figure cast a gaze over the small security camera monitor it carried.Good!The boy was waking up.

It clenched its teeth.Raising that block should have been impossible for a young one like Obi-Wan Kenobi to manage.

A smirk flitted across the mouth of the figure.Yes.Such a powerful student would attract the attention of the Council.

The figure replaced the small monitor somewhere in the folds of a billowing black cloak.Several thoughts were forming, a certain few being particularly disturbing.

_Finally, we will be able to get our point across._

_We have not faded into the growing Light._

_We are here._

_All: (mimic the theme of "Jaws")_

¤¤¤

Obi-Wan wandered about in the Temple gardens on his day off.The scent of the fruits, flowers, and grass helped him calm down.

He was uneasy.

_Mike: If somebody was referring to me as Obi-Wan Kenobi, I'd be uneasy too._

There was something very wrong.

_Servo: He's still dressed?_

And the most frustrating thing was the fact that he couldn't pinpoint the source.It was… The truth was, he couldn't pinpoint it because he didn't have the faintest glimmer of an idea what it was.It was human, and male.

_Servo: Perv!Perv!_

_Crow: You're one to talk._

But it used the Force, and it had some Light and some Dark side in it.But that was about it.

Oh, yeah.One more thing.

It was following him.

Obi-Wan ground his teeth.The meditating dome, he decided.The 'dome' was a wire structure that was completely coated in vines, making the walls seem solid.The vines had been grown with the influence of the Light Side, so a Darksider couldn't stand to go near it.

_Mike: How clever this author is._

_Crow: (as Discord) Pulitzer, you're mine!_

Obi-Wan stooped slightly to enter dome.He glanced over his shoulder, relieved to see that nothing sprouting horns and screaming was leaping for his back.

_Crow: Even more humor!_

_Mike: This kid is *unstoppable*, I'm telling ya…_

¤¤¤

_Hmph.Sharp kid._

_Not sharp enough to save his _

_Mike: Pathetic and scrawny butt._

_butt_, the cloaked figure observed.

_Mike: Who called it!_

The figure sat cross-legged outside the dome, concentrating.

¤¤¤

Obi-Wan, turning around, almost tripped over himself when he saw another figure in the dome with him.

_Crow: He fell down and broke his neck.The end._

He relaxed when he saw it was Qui-Gon Jinn, who was looking at him speculatively.

_Servo: Spec… What?_

_Mike: Honestly, we're not all geniuses.She could have used a word like…whatever the hell that means._

"Playing a game?"Qui-Gon asked suddenly.

_Servo: (As Obi-Wan) Ooh, Master, I'm *always* playing games…_

_All: (singing) I'm always chasing rainbows…_

"Pardon, sir?"

"You look like you're hiding from something."__

"Well, sir… I am."

"Oh?"Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow."What from?"

_Mike: His libido?_

Obi-Wan wrung his hands, fiddling with a blade of grass."I'm not sure, all I know is it's following me and it doesn't want to give me a medal."

_Mike: It is his libido.I knew it._

_Crow: I stand in awe of your telepathy._

All humor gone now, Qui-Gon stared at Obi-Wan."This'd better not be a prank."

"It's not, I swear it."

_Servo: (as Obi-Wan) My libido, I swear.It's coming to petrify the Australians!_

_Crow: The Australians?_

_Servo: You know, the boys… down under._

_Crow and Mike: Aww…_

Qui-Gon turned on his heel, peering out of the viney dome.He turned slowly, looking for a figure that didn't belong.Nothing, nothing, nothing… Wait, what was that?

A man in a black cloak stood to a full 6 feet.His only visible features were a flash of black eyes.

_Mike: Naturally._

_Servo: Tall, dark and handsome.We should bring him back for that crazy scientist._

Qui-Gon reached out with the Force, probing 

_Servo: The man's pants._

_Crow and Mike: Servo!!_

at the man.

He glanced at Obi-Wan."You pick up the worst enemies possible, don't you?"

_Crow: (as Obi-Wan) Well, if you count an apprentice-gone-bad-who-wears-black-and-chops-me-in-half, then yeah…_

Obi-Wan looked up at him, eyes wide."What is it?"

"A Shadowsider."

Oh.My.God.

_All: (vally-girl speech) Oooomigod!!_

"I don't know why he's after me!"Obi-Wan insisted. 

Before any more words could be exchanged, pain plunged into Obi-Wan's skull, filling every crease and crevice of his head.He cried out, grabbing his head, and fell to his knees.

_Mike: Obi-Torture._

_Servo: Naturally._

_Crow: When all else fails, refer to torturing the sex icon._

Before Qui-Gon could even blink, the man came tearing through the leaves of the dome.He held out a palm at the shocked Jedi Master and sent him flying back through the wall.

_Crow: Ha haa!Old hippie!_

The man wrapped a hand around Obi-Wan's neck, lifting him off the ground.Obi-Wan grasped at the hand, but didn't have time to get a grip before the Shadowsider threw him, headfirst, into the ground.Everything swam into a blur, then it was all black.

_Servo: That sucks._

Qui-Gon staggered to his feet just in time to see the dark form dash the boy onto the ground.Obi-Wan slumped onto the packed dirt ground, quite unconscious.

Qui-Gon's stomach tightened

_Crow: He threw up his innards and died.The end._

A confused thought danced in his mind.

_Crow: His mind did a happy jig!YESS!_

_Why do I care about the boy on such a personal level?_

_All: Ooooooo!_

The thought had barely formed before the man in black glared at Qui-Gon, and a jagged pain erupted in his head.Qui-Gon fell to his knees, clutching his head.

The Shadowsider smirked, then walked to Obi-Wan, who was still a crumpled heap on the ground.The man slid his arms under the boy's back and knees, lifting him in his arms with an aggravating intimacy.

_Servo: SLASH!SLASH!Wooooo hoooooooo!_

However, the gentle handling didn't seem to be a good omen for the future.

_Servo: Yesssss!Score!_

Qui-Gon, now on his hands and knees, glanced up.Through a red haze of pain, he saw the man carry Kenobi away from the destroyed dome. 

Away from him.

Qui-Gon's arms gave out, and he slouched against the ground.

_Crow: Tear._

_Servo: Boo hoo._

_Mike: What's that sound?It's my BLEEEDING HEART!_

¤¤¤

"Sonovvabitch!!"Qui-Gon shot up into a sitting position in the sterile, white bed.A shadow flickered across his face.

The Shadow Side.Almost a fairy tale, Shadowsiders were the most dangerous of all, being part Light and part Dark.

The traditional belief was that the Force was evenly split in two, Light and Dark.However, not all Force-sensitive chose to believe that there was such a stark line between the two.They operate in the area in which Light and Dark overlap.This enables them to use both Light and Dark side powers.

_Crow: Whoa, what was that?_

_Mike: She tried to explain the Force in one convenient paragraph._

Mace Windu striding into the room interrupted Qui-Gon's thinking.He sat on the edge of the bed, his face wrinkled with concern."Qui-Gon?What-- Who--"

"A Shadowsider is on Temple grounds."

Mace stiffened.

_Servo: Where exactly did he stiffen?_

_Mike: I'll kill you, I swear._

"And he has Obi-Wan Kenobi."

Mace leaned his head into his folded hands, his elbows on his knees."Any ideas on what it wanted?"

"As far as I can tell, attention."

"Oh, it's got plenty of that."

¤¤¤

Obi-Wan woke slowly, his body feeling--

He blinked.Well… He expected it to feel like shit, but he felt fine, oddly enough.He fidgeted with his hands, which were tied behind his back.

_Crow: The ropes came alive and ate him.The end._

"I see you're awake."

Obi-Wan froze, scanning the darkened room for the source of the voice.

A well-placed kick to his ribs brought his head down, curling into a ball, gasping.

_Crow: Obi-Torture!Obi-Torture!_

_Servo: Beep beep beep!_

"What's the matter, boy?"The voice was filled with venom and acid."Can you not see in front of your own eyes?"

_Mike:Ah, well, you see, when you're *not* intent on smashing my face into the ground…_

Obi-Wan glared at the figure that seemed to have materialized in front of him.

The figure stared piercingly down at him."Sit up," he commanded.Obi-Wan did so, a bit shakily, and the man sat down across from him.Unexpectedly, a smile broke on his face.

"My name is Mallor Kinatai.And you are?"He held out his hand expectantly, as thought Obi-Wan's hands were not bound.His smile became a smirk. 

_Servo: (in a falsetto) Oh, you evil, evil man.Do please untie me, and I'll satisfy all of your urges and fantas - -_

_Mike: Stop right there._

Obi-Wan spat right onto his face then followed up with a tackle."You know what, you bastard?"He screamed."YOU ARE A FUCKNUT!

_Crow: The F-Bomb again.I like this kid._

Screw you!"He punctuated the speech with a kick to Mallor's jaw.

All of a sudden, Obi-Wan found himself flying through the air.He blinked.Then he found himself flying into a wall.

Ow…

_All: Ow…_

His vision swam for a moment, 

_Mike: That's cool.I gotta teach my vision how to swim._

_Crow: (lifting an arm threateningly) Here, I'll help._

but came back into focus as Mallor stalked up to him, his face a mask of fury."Good aim.However, you will regret that."

Mallor pinned him to the wall with one hand and reared back with his other fist.

Obi-Wan closed his eyes, swallowing.

¤¤¤

"He's what?"Neevik's mouth hung open.

There was a murderous twinkle in Kosk's eyes."He's been captured by a Shadow Side user."

_Crow: Who would have guessed?_

"God DAMMIT!Dumbass!"Kosk waited for Neevik to stop raging before handing him a holodisc.

_Mike: A what?_

_Servo: Don't you know anything?God, you're such a Trekkie._

_Mike: Okay, so Picard was cool.So sue me._

_Crow: You mean Dr. Xavier, for the Institute for the Crazy Mutants in the Middle of Nowhere._

_Crow and Servo: (snicker)_

"What's this?"

"Don't watch it if you're feeling destructive," Kosk warned.

"When do I not feel destructive?"Neevik thumbed the disc.

_Crow: I like him, too._

A fuzzy image of Obi-Wan is what appeared. His entire body was bruised, but his visage was a stubborn one that Neevik and Kosk knew well."Numbnuts here wants me to make demands for him," he reported.He winced as though his head suddenly hurt."Well, he wants a fuckin' big starship, a shitload of credits, a lightsaber, and a life."He closed his eyes, groaning through his teeth.He opened his eyes through his pain."And I could use a band-aid."

_Mike: There she goes again!_

_Crow: She is *so funny*…_

The holodisc image fuzzed out.

Neevik threw it against the wall with enough force to shatter it."What the hell??If that asshole lays a single fucking finger on Obi-Wan, I'm gonna take that Shadow Side of his, wad it up into a tiny, little ball, and shove it UP HIS ASS!"

_Servo: Potty mouth!_

Kosk cracked his knuckles."That was pretty much my reaction, only it was, ah, edited because Master Windu gave me the news.What do you say?Scream our favorite word right now?"

Neevik nodded, then threw his head back with Kosk.In unison, they yelled "FFFUUUCCCKKK!!!!!"

_Crow: I'm telling you, this humor is just killing me in its witty capabilities._

_Mike: Oh yeah._

¤¤¤

Obi-Wan woke slowly, his whole body feeling as though it was a pincushion.The pain in his head was lesser, so he assumed that Mallor was asleep.

Stifling a moan, he climbed to his feet, ignoring the daggering pain.

Turning backwards, he twisted the doorknob, which he had unlocked earlier.The click and muffled shriek of hinges sounded galactley loud to Obi-Wan.

_Servo: Not just incredibly loud, but *galactley* loud._

¤¤¤

Mallor woke quickly, sitting up.If the Temple had obeyed his demands, then he should have been halfway to Correlia by now.

_Mike: Where?_

_Crow: Another word for High School._

_Mike: Aahh…_

Oh, well.Only one thing left to do.

_Servo: Screw!_

_Crow: I'll beat your little tin head in if you say that one more time._

Since he couldn't get what he wanted, he would have to leave with a bang.

He flipped a holodisc to "RECORD" and made his message.He wafted it up through the vents, settling it in Qui-Gon's room.

"Time to check on the kid," he muttered.

¤¤¤

Obi-Wan had one foot left in the chamber where he had been held prisoner.

Then Mallor walked in.

He didn't even pause as he walked out the door, he just telepathically grabbed Obi-Wan as he walked.He stopped in front of the big kitchen freezer.

¤¤¤

_Damn, it's cold._

_Crow: Usually is, in freezers._

_Servo: Pansy._

Obi-Wan rotated his shoulders, pacing about in the freezer._I'm not gonna last another hour_, he realized.

_Mike: D'oh!_

He heaved a sigh and continued pacing.

¤¤¤

Qui-Gon's eyes fluttered open.He looked about, scanning the impeccably neat room.Something seemed out of place.In a moment, he spotted it:a yellowish holodisc by the ventilation shaft.Qui-Gon got up and retrieved it, curious.He thumbed the button, freezing when he heard the message it contained.

He hesitated for less than half a moment before dashing to find Yoda.

_All: (singing) Now dash away, dash away…_

¤¤¤

"More dangerous then we expected the Shadowsider is," Yoda observed calmly.

_Crow: I will reserve all obvious jokes about Yoda's speech._

Qui-Gon hit the "PLAY" button again.A voice without an image trickled from the holodisc."In light of my knowledge that you have not, and will not, concede to my demands, I have left the Temple."There was a smirk evident in the tone of his voice."I've put the boy into safekeeping… I'm afraid the only thing I could find was a freezer."It was obvious from his glee that he knew that there were 83 freezers in the Temple."I wish you luck in finding him!"The voice fuzzed out.

_Crow: HA HA!She strikes again!_

Qui-Gon squared his shoulders and glanced at Yoda.

Yoda looked up, the faintest hint of anger on his normally serene features."Found young Kenobi must be.A party to find him you will make?"

"Yes."Qui-Gon nodded slowly.

¤¤¤

Obi-Wan sat against the wall of the freezer with his head hanging down limply.His ragged breath flowered around his face, his body shaking.His muscles seemed frozen, and pain sliced at them whenever he tried to move.His breath, cold sweat, and any general moisture had crystallized on his skin, hair, and robes, creating a bluish, otherworldly shimmer.

_Crow: (as old Obi-Wan) Yooz the Fooorce.Stretch out with your feeeeelings._

¤¤¤

Qui-Gon was running his team tirelessly, although the party didn't feel quite as energetic as he did.

"Sir!"A young female human, Dyanai, halted in front of him, panting slightly.

Qui-Gon raised his head in affirmation of the hailing as she continued, her tone cautious."According to my calculations… Obi-Wan Kenobi is either dead, or will be in less than 10 minutes."

_Mike: Oh, how comforting._

_Servo: (imitating a ditz) Umm, let's just, like, stop now 'cause he's prolly, like, kicked the pail anyway, ya know?_

Qui-Gon nodded his head in acknowledgement before ordering, with just the slightest hesitation, "Keep searching."He fell to the back of the group to ponder the wisdom of his latest idea.

A connection.A mental connection.That way, Qui-Gon would be able to pinpoint the boy's location. 

However, it would result in mixed feelings, and probably a new padawan.

_Mike: Puddlewa--_

_Crow and Servo: Shut up._

_But it's obvious that the boy will grow up to be massively powerful._

Hell.

_All: Hell._

Why judge all training Jedi by one gone wrong?

_Crow: (as old Obi-Wan) Why, indeeeeed._

Qui-Gon halted the team, explained his plan, and began to concentrate.

¤¤¤

Obi-Wan's eyes fluttered closed, his head slumping onto his chest.

A tentative touch on his mind brought him back alert.Sort of.Well, as alert as you could be in a freezer.

_Mike: In the dead of night, to Star Wars fanfiction readers all over the globe, Disord Strikes Back!With her incredible humor and insatiable wit!_

_What is that?_

_Servo: Oh, pardon me.It was the Mexican food last night, you know…_

_Obi-Wan?_Qui-Gon Jinn's thoughts floated into his mind.

_Sir?_ The youth 'sounded' so flabbergasted that Qui-Gon almost laughed out loud.

_Mike: Flabberwhatted?_

_Crow: Don't you have even a rudimentary vocabulary?_

_Mike: (imitating Jar-Jar) Not really, no.No._

_Obi-Wan?Where are you?_

_Servo: A whorehouse._

_Mike: That was inappropriate…_

_Well… I--I--_ Obi-Wan sent him a mental image of his location.

Qui-Gon took off, sprinting down the halls to where Obi-Wan indicated.

Even as he ran, he felt a coldness seeping into his mind.The new connection he had with the boy softened and started unraveling.He felt Obi-Wan's consciousness flicker.

_No!Stay awake!_

_I--I'm trying…_

_All: There is no try.There is only do._

Even through all his efforts, right as Qui-Gon opened the door, his body went limp as he blacked out.The shaky rise and fall of his chest stopped altogether.

"No!"

_Servo: (as Obi-Wan) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!_

_Crow: Yessss!He's dead!The end!_

Qui-Gon knelt by the frozen bundle on the floor.He pushed down his panic and desperately laid a hand on Obi-Wan's forehead.

There was a tense moment when nothing happened.Then Obi-Wan inhaled sharply, his eyes snapping open.

_Mike: He recovered from death pretty quick._

Qui-Gon released a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.He gathered the boy in his arms, carrying the weakened apprentice down the halls.

Qui-Gon Jinn smiled down at his new Padawan

_Crow: Then his face split open and he died.The end._

_Mike: It's not that bad._

"And how was your day?"

_Mike: Puddle--_

_Crow and Servo: Shut UP, Mike._

Obi-Wan Kenobi grinned back at his new Master."Oh, just another day in hell."

_Crow: That was amusing in its witty proportions._

_Servo: You mean it sucked._

_Mike: Seriously, though, guys.What's a punglewad?_


End file.
